Top Ten

Here are some of the most important things I have learned this semester:

1. The statistic that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce is false. I still don't quite understand the actual ratio; something about how in a year, certain people stay married while others divorce. The good news is that I can point out that that statistic is false! I believe that to mean that although divorce is still quite common, it isn't as common as I thought. Hopefully that can give others hope in marrying, instead of giving them the false expectation that their marriage has a 50/50 chance of making it. It also helped me to look closer at the statistic I've heard that even 50 percent of temple marriages end in divorce. I need more evidence to be convinced now, instead of just a random percentage thrown out in the open.

2. Much of the research about the outcomes of same-sex marriage and the ability to overcome same-sex attraction is skewed towards those who favor same-sex marriage. There are a lot of people right now who are taking sides about same-sex marriage. I loved Dennis Prager's article about how both sides have two different questions they ask, and that's where the problems come. Both facts are true: gay people need more equality, but that does not mean that gay marriage is the best for our society. Sound bytes are made out of skewed information about SSA and the public is confused and misled.

3. Much of the world lives in moral relativism, saying that things are only good or bad depending on how you label them. This concept is false. The truth is that there is absolute good and bad. I can definitely see this pull happening in our society, with people being too focused on tolerance. It's so important to be aware of the fact that this is happening, or it is easier to get sucked into doing it and allowing it ourselves. We must live according to Heavenly Father's law, or everyone will become a law unto themselves, only to find out how mistaken they were at the judgment bar.

4. A few of the most important factors in a happy marriage are that you think of your partner as your best friend and that you respect him. Without those foundations, you are in trouble. Best friends know what each other like and dislike, and they cater to those preferences. They know about each other. They talk about what happens day to day as well as deep things. Do the little things you know your spouse would love and avoid the things you know they dislike. Those little drops in the bucket add up to a strong marriage.

5. The most important things we can do for our children is help them learn to govern themselves and to have strong ballast. I learned this in the parenting class, but I have felt it reinforced this semester. Children definitely need freedom, but they definitely also need limits if they are to learn to have the discipline they will need to fuel their lives after they leave home. Instilling values that apply to many situations is more useful than constantly saying "don't touch that" and "don't say that".

6. About 70 percent of married BYU-I students said that the first year of marriage was bearable. I love this statistic because it shows reality. Many people fall into believing that once you are married, life is happily ever after. The truth is, we know that's not how it's going to be. We aren't going to be ecstatic every day and our level of happiness will stay pretty much the same, or (if our expectations were unrealistically high) they will decrease. If you aren't happy when you're single, you won't be happy when you're married. The truth of the matter is that although married life can bring happiness that can't be experienced in any other way, it is also hard. Hard and joyful don't have to cancel each other one - in fact, the struggle is often what makes the happiness rich.

7. Working together as a family is one of the most important things we can do, but it's also one of the things that has been nearly eliminated from our modern world. Adam and Eve were commanded to till the earth together. Our world has tried to go "back to Eden" where there was less work required. But work is a blessing because it gives us a chance to teach our children, give them good role models, and spend time together. Even the aspects of work that make it seem unappealing, like repetition and being mundane, are what make them perfect ways for families to connect. Although life is easier now, that does not mean it is more fulfilling. We sacrificed a lot when we let technology take over.

8. There is incredible power in labels. I remember Brother Williams told a story about a guy he knows who was labeled moody when he was younger. The man is very capable and bright, but that label followed him his whole life and he still lives in his parents' basement. In the same light, labeling someone as gay can have incredible power to change the course of someone's life. I am making sure that my children never ever label others because of the powerful repercussions it can have.

9. There is no perfect person out there for you, and even if there was, he's not spending every waking minute looking for you. He has his own life! I remember reading the devotional by Brother Chadwick about finding your future spouse. Everything he said is true! You reap what you sow. If you spend all semester in your apartment, the Spirit is probably not going to whisper to an imaginary Prince Charming, "knock on apartment 203 and ask for Ashley." The very best thing we can do is trust that Heavenly Father will help us in finding our future spouse as we go about living full lives while doing our parts to find him!

10. Recognize that research comes from humans. That means it can be flawed, skewed, misinterpreted, or done by those without credentials. Like I mentioned in my first point, it is so easy to want to believe anything that has a percentage attached to it. The implications can be huge! People can decide whether or not they are going to marry or have children based on a false statistic or false interpretation of a statistic. Also, the more people you have researching a topic with the same results, the more you can trust it. Law of witnesses! Also, as President Uchtdorf said in his CES devotional, "...it is always good to keep in mind, just because something is printed on paper, appears on the Internet, is frequently repeated, or has a powerful group of followers doesn’t make it true."

Lesson 4: Gender and Family Life; Same-Sex Attraction

I read a really interesting chapter this week on the subject of same-sex attraction (SSA). The author of the article, Dean Byrd, gave some really good facts about studies that have been done on SSA. A lot of the information from these studies has been misinterpreted by the media, misleading a lot of people. And in a lot of instances these studies have been done by those with SSA. I'm not saying that all these researchers skew the facts - some have found information that goes against their beliefs and thus changed their beliefs - but some have not tried to correct those who misinterpret their findings, like the media.

The article talked about the different factors that influence SSA. The first was genetics. We can't assume that people WILL be attracted to the same gender based on genes alone. This has been reinforced by studies done with identical twins. If SSA was completely up to genes then every pair of identical twins with an SSA gene (which is also a false concept) would act identically in regards to SSA. An interesting perspective from Dr. Janet Cummings says, “The belief that homosexuality is always inbred flies in the face of available evidence that genetics, childhood environment, and personal choice are all factors. Granted, some may be more salient than others, but from the genetic standpoint alone, the genes responsible would have disappeared throughout the millennia from lack of reproductive activity.”

I definitely believe that SSA, just like other aspects of a person, is based in large part on environment, which makes me think about how so many people are pushing for gay and lesbian marriage to be legalized. If gay marriage becomes the norm, I believe that a lot more people will consider SSA a normal tendency and just another route for them in having a family. I believe that these would both be detrimental to our society. I am completely in favor of those with SSA having equal rights as heterosexuals, because we are all God's children and all have fundamental rights. However, I don't support gay marriage because it goes directly against Heavenly Father's commandment to multiply and replenish the earth.

An interesting study found that 46 percent of gay men and 22 percent of lesbian women were sexually abused as children. 68 percent of those with SSA didn't identify as such until after they had been abused. Also, those who didn't connect with their same-sex parent had a greater tendency to SSA.

Also, even if the genetics and the environment give a greater predisposition towards SSA, there is always agency! I firmly believe that the choices you make determine your desires. Brother Williams, our teacher (who is also a counselor) gave steps to overcoming SSA. 1. Stop doing the things that increase feelings of SSA, whether they are actions with other people, virtual, or through thoughts. 2. Learn to have healthy friendships with those of the same gender. Recognize that intimacy and sexuality are different. Everyone has the need for intimacy, or closeness with others. Intimacy can and should be with both genders - sexuality is meant to be with those of the opposite gender. 3. Seek appropriate intimacy with those of the opposite gender. 4. Turn to Heavenly Father for help.

I also learned about the less-touted research on those with SSA tendencies who try to overcome them. A lot of advocates for SSA have tried to argue that you can't change those tendencies. Studies have shown that belief to be false. In one study, 65 percent of those who went through psychological care to try to overcome SSA recovered after five years.

Brother Williams also pointed out that as a counselor, he has met with many people who have SSA. He has almost without exception, seen a pattern in their stories. We'll take the hypothetical story of a young boy. On the scale of feminine to masculine, he is more towards the middle than most boys. This leads him to enjoy doing different things than other boys. The other boys might start teasing him and even calling him gay. He might begin to believe these labels. When the boy gets a little bit older and the boys and girls are starting to become interested in each other, he might feel different. Whereas the other boys have spent their time together up to this point, the boy has spent much of his time either alone or with girls. Thus, while other boys are becoming interested in girls because they are different, this boy feels the boys are different, because he hasn't had time around them. This is especially true if the boy's father does give him healthy affection. What should be a reality of appropriate same-gender affection is more of a novelty. Now, the scale can tip if the boy experiments. He may feel aroused and this, to him, "confirms" that he is gay. This is also true, if the boy is a victim of sexual abuse, especially from someone of the same gender. He believes the feelings he has are proof that he is gay. He may look back at other occasions and think to himself "Maybe I was gay earlier too. I remember this instance..." His paradigm becomes skewed. While all this is happening, he may be continually labeled as gay, which reinforces the untruth.

There is such power in labeling. We should never label other people, because it has powerful repercussions.

All in all, we all seek intimacy, closeness with others. We must give others, especially our children, the appropriate intimacy they need or they will search for it in other avenues.

We would do well to remember that attributes are neither male or female, and that some of Christ's greatest attributes were kindness, nurturing, and gentleness.

If you are interested in getting a deeper understanding on this subject, look into chapter 8, "Homosexuality - What Science Can and Cannot Say" by Dean Byrd, from Understanding Same-Sex Attraction - LDS Edition.

Lesson 1: Societal Trends and the Family

This week we talked about trends in the U.S. regarding the family. Premarital sex, cohabitation, delayed marriage, fewer children, working mothers, and children born to unmarried mothers are all on the rise. The adversary is working hard against the family at a greater and greater pace.

I loved a quote from President Brigham Young about having children: "“There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our duty?—To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can.”

President Spencer W. Kimball also had a good quote: "You did not come on earth just to 'eat, drink and be merry.' You came knowing full well your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles. 

Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who carry on the world’s work. And, John and Mary, do not limit your family as the world does. I am wondering now where I might have been had my parents decided arbitrarily that one or two children would be enough, or that three or four would be all they could support, or that even five would be the limit; for I was the sixth of eleven children. Don’t think you will love the later ones less or have few material things for them. Perhaps like Jacob, you might love the eleventh one most. Young people, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives.“

Lesson 3: Social Class and Cultural Diversity

This week held a lot of water. One of the assignments was to watch Elder Oaks's CES devotional, Truth and Tolerance. I feel like it fits perfectly with the conflicts going on right now. All over Facebook, people are showing their views on touchy topics, from abortion to same-sex marriage. Lately everyone has been making their profile pictures into either equal signs (to represent equality for everyone, especially those who want same-sex marriage legalized) or plus signs (to represent that marriage should be a man plus a woman). One thing that the devotional showed me is that we are all entitled to our beliefs. Further, whatever our beliefs are, we have no right to be cruel in expressing them, and we have no right to try to keep others from expressing their views or by quarreling with them. In my eyes, the instant you stop being kind is the moment you have lost all ground. No one will listen to someone who attacks them; it only further entrenches them in their views. We can only win others over through kindness. President Hinckley put it best: "There may be situations, there will be situations, where, with serious moral issues involved, we cannot bend on matters of principle. But in such instances we can politely disagree without being disagreeable. We can acknowledge the sincerity of those whose positions we cannot accept. We can speak of principles rather than personalities.” Elder Oaks also talked about how many have fallen into a culture of moral relativism - the belief that things are right and wrong based merely on your opinion of what is right and wrong. Elder Oaks discredits this fallacy by pointing out that there are absolute truths. Truth is truth, no matter if you conform to it or not.

We also learned about illegal immigrant families from Mexico and how they adjust. It was a sad study, because the families were doing this for their children to have better opportunities than they had. But, they had to give up a lot. The fathers often went over first, to secure a home and job. If the separation time was longer than a year or more, the family dynamics changed. The family system had to shift to fill the void that the father had left. Often, when the family reunited, things didn't go back to how they were before. It was hard for the children to reconnect in some cases. Also, the parents became more authoritarian in many cases, because they didn't know the American culture, didn't want their children to get involved in the dangers of drugs, bad friends, etc., and they needed to stay away from deportation. Also, the mother often had to enter the workforce to keep up financially. Thus, the children lost their father for a time, and once they got to America, they often lost their mother too. Not only that, but when they left Mexico they often left a tight-knit family system of cousins, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Familialism is a big part of the Mexican culture. The traditional family (with father coming home from work while mother stays at home with the children) had been replaced by the family sometimes not talking to each other for a few days due to conflicting schedules.

We also learned that class has a lot to do with the success of the family. In many lower class U.S. families, there are a lot of single-parent families. It's not that these families don't want stable families. In many cases, they don't have a single positive role model of how a family should be. Also, the culture in many lower-class societies is that when problems come, you can walk away. Many people, like William Doherty, are trying to help these disadvantaged families.

Finally, Brother Williams asked the question, "Are all cultures equal and valid?" That question made me ponder a lot. What do you think: are all cultures equal? Food for thought.

Lesson 12: Divorce and Blended Families

None of us expect to be part of a divorce or blended family, but there is always the possibility that it can happen.

It is very important to know your spouse before you marry him. There are plenty of good books and questionnaires out there to help you know who you're planning to spend eternity with. Two solid resources are "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" by John Van Epp and "Before Your Wedding" by Laura Nielson Denke. There are also many good resources listed on Amazon if you type in the title "300 Questions LDS Couples Should Ask Before Marriage".

I found out that the statistic that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce is false. I have seen that statistic all. over. the. place. I'm glad to see that the percent is lower than that.

One thing I have learned over and over is that one of the best assurances for a strong marriage is a strong friendship with your spouse. That is why it is so important to begin a relationship with a strong foundation of friendship.

I also learned the importance of understanding each other's unwritten contracts for what is expected in marriage. The possible struggles that might come up need to be addressed before marriage.

One of the assignments I read gave a play-by-play of each stage for each person in a simulated divorce and remarriage. It was painful to read. It reinforced to me that our decisions affect so many other people, especially when it's related to family. Divorce most often has the deepest impact on the children, who are the ones who have very little control over the situation. I also felt over and over again that almost all (if not all) these problems could have been circumvented if each person had turned to Heavenly Father and each other. The husband in this story turned instead to alcoholism - he could not have overcome that except through Christlike principles. The mother of the wife had an unhealthy relationship with her daughter because she had not been able to move past her husband's death. Again, the Atonement could have helped her.

Now, I understand that there are many different situations and I have no right to point fingers, especially in such a tender situation. Divorce is a painful, painful subject. It gets to the very heart of our purpose on earth, and for those who have gone through it, calling them failures is uncalled for. But I do know that whatever stage a family is in, the Atonement can help them and they need to turn to Christ for healing and strength. The same is true for whatever trials we face in life. I know this to be true.

There are lots of precautions we can take against divorce. You can working on growing in respect between spouses. Working on finances can help. Talking about physical intimacy expectations, focusing on the other person's needs, and letting your spouse know what you like and don't like are all things you can do. Practice acknowledging what your spouse says, even if it's something as simple as an article in the paper. Have traditions together like time to talk every night, weekly dates, regular temple trips, and couple prayer and scripture study. Set up codewords or actions that let each other know that an argument is about to ensue. Guard yourself against infidelity by not spending time with those of the opposite sex, even virtually. Make your spouse your number one commitment. Seek extra help if necessary.

What do you think are some ways that we can help divorce-proof a marriage?

Lesson 11: Parenting

Parenting: there are many things accomplished by parenting for both the parent and child. The parent grows in incredible ways that cannot be accomplished in any other way. Parenting is the ultimate way to become more like Heavenly Father. There will be many blessings as well as trials in parenting, but one study (Rosen 1990) found that "93 percent [of mothers] said they were as happy or happier than they were before they became mothers." (Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy, Eighth Edition - Robert H. and Jeanette C. Lauer) That's an exciting statistic, especially in a world that idolizes self-fulfillment and leisure time and looks down on those who decide to be "just" a mother instead of pursuing a career. Of course, the child is also blessed through having parents - it is so much the harder to grow up well-adjusted without loving parents.

When it comes to trials in parenting, there will of course be no shortage. However, we have many options for how we will deal with those trials. I believe that the best option is principle-based parenting. Parenting based on principles gives the parent a preplanned response to a multitude of trials because principles relate to many circumstances. This means that "natural man" parenting is less likely to occur.

Two excellent resources when talking about principle-based parenting are Active Parenting of Teens (Third Edition) by Michael Popkin and Parenting with Love: Making a Difference in a Day by Glenn Latham.

One of my favorite principles for parenting is ignoring weed behavior (as Latham calls it). Latham points out that the behavior that is noticed is the behavior that continues. Your children want your attention, and if the only way they can get it is through misbehaving, you had better believe that they will misbehave! So many parents believe that they have to stifle every bad behavior. In reality, what they really need to do is commend good behavior, especially when the child isn't asking for it. Consistent, small recognition of the good things they do will lead to strong children. It is also important to note that as parents we shouldn't comment on the character of the child ("You are..." statements like "You are so lazy" or "You are a good/bad boy"). These lead the child to think that their actions are who they are and if they make a mistake, they ARE bad. Instead, focus on their efforts. "You put a lot of hard work into your project" and pointing out specific accomplishments like "I love the way you blended the blue and green" let the child know you are paying attention and it gives them something they can focus on. Admit it, even as adults, hearing "Thank you for talking about how grace has helped you overcome being a single parent; you were an answer to my prayers" means infinitely more than the "Great talk!" we often hear at church.

Another aspect of parenting are the three main types of parenting: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. Authoritarian is rules with little affection; authoritative is affection with clear expectations; permissive is affection with few rules. Children function best with authoritative (aka active) parenting. Sometimes one parent can be authoritarian, and to compensate, the other parent will be permissive. This cycle will continue as each tries to make up for the other. If you and your spouse have different parenting styles, the best thing to do is discover the benefits of authoritative parenting and try to find middle ground.

One of the best things you can do for your children is to make sure expectations are clear and then sticking to them consistently. It is easy to think that if you enforce the rules your children won't like you, but that isn't true. They will be grateful for boundaries, as long as they're not too tight. Remember that they are still growing up and they need the direction of boundaries to protect them. At the same time, remember that natural consequences are often the most powerful teachers. You can tell your child not to touch a hot stove, but he will understand the lesson as soon as he touches the stove. I'm not saying to let your child get hurt, but in situations where he isn't in danger, natural consequences are powerful. Imagine, for example, that the night before a project is due your child comes to you, telling you that he hasn't even started and he needs your help. Will he be more benefitted long-term by your bailing him out or letting him feel the natural consequences? It's also important to note that the consequences are almost always lower the younger a child is. Do you want your child to learn from 8-year-old mistakes or 21-year-old mistakes?

What are your thoughts on parenting? What are some things you're going to do to help your children be successful?

Lesson 9: Communication and Mutual Problem-Solving

I learned some very important things this week. Mainly that communication is SO IMPORTANT in marriage. And before I was kind of disillusioned because communication seemed like the fix-all buzz word in marriage. Butttt...it's true. A strong marriage is based on a strong friendship, and a strong friendship is based on knowing what the other person loves and hates. Our teacher cited the example of back rubs. You can let the other person know what you like and what you don't like and they can tailor better to you and it's a better experience for both of you! Be aware of what your spouse likes and do those things. If your husband HATES skim milk, don't buy skim milk! Those tiny contributions are all drops in the bucket, and there are no shortcuts. If you are focused on fulfilling your spouse's needs and your spouse is focused on your needs, both of your needs will be fulfilled and your marriage will bloom. I think communication makes all the difference between living heart-to-heart instead of just side-by-side. Also, I learned that your spouse becomes pretty much your everything once you get married. Yes, you still have friends, but things will be different than when you were single. All I can say is...my future husband had BETTER be my best friend! And he'd better be funny. Or eternity is going to be a LONG time.

Hopefully this link lasts forever! Communication and Solving Conflict

Lesson 5: Preparing for Marriage

This is such a good talk on creating a celestial marriage! It was a devotional address given by Bruce C. Chadwick called "Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Celestial Marriage". It is found here.

A good test to see how compatible you would be with a potential partner is called PREPARE. It is really important to know what attributes you cannot live without in a spouse, and which attributes you would be willing to tolerate. Remember that your spouse will not change after marriage. If your communication isn't good when you're engaged, putting a ring on it won't change his personality. Another interesting fact is that we all have filtering that we do. Sure, half the population is male, but I (and you) filter people out based on how similar they are to me. The more similar, the more likely they would be a good match. Some similarities come from age, race, religion, sense of humor, and beliefs.

Another really good resource is a book called Ten Secrets to Achieving a Successful Celestial Marriage by Laura Nielson Denke. It talks about the habits we should have with our spouse.

One of the most important habits we can have is regular temple attendance with your spouse. Brother Chadwick talks about this in his address. I have heard that one temple worker noticed that even if a couple walked into the temple not holding hands, they always walked out holding hands. Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone also promised that regular temple worship with your spouse is marriage insurance.

In my Family Foundations class, my teacher talked about the importance of traditions in families. I thought about that a lot and I believe it strongly! I think about all the families I know that seem close - they have traditions. And in my books, the more the merrier! Elder Perry compared family traditions to posts that support a house. That gives you an idea of how important they are! Some really important traditions to have are daily family scripture study, morning and evening family prayer, Family Home Evening, church and temple attendance. One of the best ways to bond is through family work projects. It's nice to play soccer, etc. etc., but working together is powerful. Also, I learned that family camping trips are some of the best ways to bond! I know that is definitely true in my case. Some of my favorite memories in my family were when we went camping. Also, eating together regularly is so important! It can be so easy to live side by side without connecting or even communicating. I have found that family dinners are a perfect climate to find out about your family and bond with them. When I've put forth the effort to make a meal, I've noticed that conversation often outlasts the meals and we end up talking and joking and strengthening each other's testimonies. The more righteous traditions we can get, the better! Also, keep dating your spouse weekly. Have other spiritual habits with just your spouse. Like Brother Chadwick says, celestial marriages don't just happen. We have got to create them. That gives me hope, because it means that I have a lot of power in making my marriage strong!

Okay, here's Brother Chadwick's address:

"The topic I selected to discuss this morning was motivated by a research report I read last summer. A study of young women attending colleges and universities across the United States reported that dating has disappeared from campus, and young women have been left to wander in a social wilderness in their search for Mr. Right. The vast majority of the young women interviewed stated that marriage is a "very important" goal for them. In addition, a majority indicated they hoped to find Mr. Right while attending college. They lamented that dating has been replaced by hanging out with acquaintances and then hooking up with young men. Hooking up generally involves drinking alcohol and some degree of sexual activity. These young women, more often than not, felt frustrated and lonely, and most reported they had not found Mr. Right. Drinking and promiscuity are not the Lord's way to find someone to marry! Heavenly Father loves you and desires you to be happy, and thus He has given you righteous procedures to follow in your pursuit of an eternal marriage.

In response to this study, my friend and colleague Brent Top—a member of the Religious Education faculty—and I decided to examine the dating culture among LDS youth, particularly those young adults at BYU. Let me compare the desire to marry among college women across the nation to both women and men attending BYU. As mentioned earlier, marriage is a very important goal to 83 percent of the national sample of women college students. Happily, marriage is very important to nearly all BYU students—both men (95 percent) and women (97 percent). It appears almost all of you have the appropriate goal; it seems that it is the implementation that falls a little short.

I am confident that each of you has a copy of the proclamation on the family. This is pure doctrine straight from the Lord through His prophet and apostles. There have been only four proclamations in this dispensation, and each teaches important eternal truths. Please take the time to read, ponder, and pray about this counsel from the Lord concerning the eternal significance of the family.

Satan still thinks he has a chance to win the war he initiated against God's plan in the premortal existence. One of his most cunning strategies is to turn away the sons and daughters of God from eternal relationships sealed in holy temples. Satan is giving special attention to you, my young friends—both single and married—to create doubt in your minds about marriage and your being ready to marry, increase your fear of failure to find the right one and your fear of divorce, and heighten your concern about having children. He is providing alluring sexual temptations. All are designed to hinder your embracing and keeping sacred covenants with your companion.

Today I want to share with those of you who are single some of the appropriate ways to establish an eternal relationship. For those of you who are married, these suggestions will assist you in nurturing a strong marriage.

One of the joys of teaching at BYU is the opportunity to mingle scripture with the philosophy of men in a righteous fashion. I appreciate teaching sociology within a gospel context by linking intellect with inspiration. This morning I will mingle a little social science with the scriptures—revelation with the best research and sound reason.

I have five suggestions that I want to share with you today to assist in establishing and strengthening a celestial marriage.

The first suggestion is for all Cinderellas and Prince Charmings to throw away their glass slippers. Following Satan's encouragement, contemporary society greatly emphasizes courtship, the hunt, or the conquest. The rest of the story, the most significant part of the life story, is dismissed with six words: "And they lived happily ever after."

There is a very dangerous misperception embedded in this Cinderella and glass slipper syndrome. It is the focus on finding the perfect person to marry with whom you will live happily ever after. I am convinced that the Lord's plan is to find a right one rather than the one. I admit there may be rare cases where two people covenanted in the premortal existence to find each other and marry in this life. They see each other across the Marriott Center parking lot, and it is love at first sight. Occasionally students ask if I knew my wife in the premortal existence. What can I say? Of course I did. But then I add that I knew all of my sisters in the premortal existence, and no matter who I married, she would be an acquaintance. Let me be crystal clear: this is not Church doctrine; rather, it is a flippant response to a question for which I don't have an answer. The First Presidency has affirmed that premortal covenanted marriages—glamorized by Saturday's Warrior—are rare indeed. To most of us Heavenly Father says, "There are thousands of my sons and daughters attending BYU who are worthy to enter my house and covenant to be your eternal mate. You pick one you like who is worthy, and I will give you my blessing." There are actually many whose foot will nicely fit within the glass slipper.

A second suggestion is don't wait for others to carry your glass slipper about the campus looking for a match. In other words, don't wait for your Heavenly Father to write the name of the person you are to marry on your kitchen wall or to deliver him or her to your front door. Instead, be a little more proactive and seek someone you like, someone who is worthy, and someone who inspires you to be a better person. The Spirit will guide you but won't do the courting or make the choice for you.

Those of you who are married will agree that this Cinderella mentality of "If I marry the right person, we will live happily ever after" fails to prepare couples for married life. When problems arise in a marriage—and they will arise—a husband or wife is tempted to think, "Oh no, I married the wrong person because I am not happy ever after." Nonsense! Good marriages are created after you get up from your knees at the altar of the temple. Strong marriages emerge out of helping each other obtain your education, struggling financially, dealing with sickness, and coping with the shock produced by the birth of your first child. Life changes and moves ahead in many unanticipated ways. Changing jobs, moving to a different city, raising teenagers, caring for an aged parent, retirement, and similar activities and events are what produce eternal marriages. Overcoming these problems as a team—helping and supporting each other along the way—are what produce a happy marriage. I loved my dear wife when we married 40 years ago this summer, but the love I felt for her then is insignificant to my love for her after these many years of trials and triumphs.

There are no written "money-back" guarantees for marital happiness. There is no antidivorce insurance. Occasionally a spouse changes in ways that make maintaining a marriage impossible. But I fear that the Cinderella complex encourages people to give up on a relationship too quickly and to start another search for the perfect spouse. The best marriage guarantee you can have is the one you sign in the presence of your bishop—and it has to be renewed once a year. Using this recommend in the companionship of your husband or wife is the best antidivorce guarantee available—not just because you have entered the temple but also because of what temple worthiness represents. This guarantee requires supporting each other in Church callings, working out the payment of tithing, praying together, studying the scriptures together, and giving service together.

In rejecting the Cinderella complex, I am not suggesting that you marry just anyone. But I am suggesting that some of us may have raised the bar a little too high. There are very few perfect people in the world, and if you do get lucky and find one, he or she probably won't want to marry you anyway. But don't despair. The traits and characteristics we are looking for in a spouse will emerge out of the years of experience together. My advice is to look for the potential in a spouse and then help each other achieve your desires. In other words, good marriages are earned by experience, not found with glass slippers.

My third suggestion is to exercise faith and to have courage in dating and marriage. It is scary to marry! It is scary to stay married during troubled times! It is scary to be responsible for children! Some people are afraid of marriage and parenthood. Perhaps their parents or close friends divorced and they fear the same happening to them.

Have faith in God your Father and in His Son. They will guide and strengthen us because we are on Their errand of creating eternal families and raising children in righteousness. This message is simply stated in the words of President Ezra Taft Benson to young adults: "Those fears must be replaced with faith" ("To the Single Adult Brethren of the Church," Ensign, May 1988, 52).

Let me share a scriptural example that I think is applicable to those considering marriage or parenthood. The children of Israel wandered in the wilderness for 40 years because they feared to enter the land promised them by Jehovah. They eventually wandered up the east side of the Jordan River. They were camped on Mount Nebo, looking across at the promised land. Moses was instructed to pass the prophetic mantle to Joshua. Jehovah was ready to perform a miracle to impress upon the children of Israel that Joshua was the new prophet and also to test their courage one last time. A miracle parallel to Moses' parting of the Red Sea was to demonstrate the Lord's power resting on Joshua.

Joshua had the camp of Israel move close to the river and asked each man and woman to "sanctify" themselves (Joshua 3:5). In this day that would mean to wash your clothes, turn off trashy television, catch up on your tithing, read the scriptures for an hour, and say your prayers. These activities would encourage the Spirit to dwell with you. In the morning the children of Israel were not left as spectators high on the riverbanks when it was time to part the waters. Rather, 12 men carried the ark of the covenant to the water's edge. Then, as the Lord explained:

And it shall come to pass, as soon as the soles of the feet of the priests that bear the ark of the Lord, the Lord of all the earth, shall rest in the waters of Jordan, that the waters of Jordan shall be cut off from the waters that come down from above; and they shall stand upon an heap. [Joshua 3:13]

It took faith and courage for those 12 men and the children of Israel who followed to step off the bank into the swirling waters of the spring runoff. As the water covered the soles of their feet, the miracle then happened, and the waters were stopped.

So it may be with you in your quest for an eternal partner or for an eternal relationship. We cannot sit in our apartments, we cannot spend long hours at work, we cannot endlessly play video games and wait for the Lord to bring a spouse to the altar for us. We cannot wait for the Lord to create a special love between our spouse and us. He does not magically cause the perfect family to appear when there has been little, if any, effort on our part. Waving at a group of girls or guys across the cultural hall, driving your spouse to the grocery store once a week, or just knowing the names of your children is not resting the soles of your feet in the waters of marriage and family life.

During the 1970s cohabitation became popular, allowing couples to ease into marriage, to try out being married without the commitments and responsibilities of marriage. Social scientists in general applauded this emerging social custom and argued that cohabiting would increase marital satisfaction and reduce divorce. They reasoned that cohabiting is an opportunity to confirm real compatibility and that a marriage that followed would be happier and more stable. This pronouncement was not one of social sciences' finest hours. The truth of the matter is that 30 years of research has made it clear that couples who cohabit and then wed are less happy and are more likely to divorce! Why? Because cohabiting couple are not willing to exercise the faith to make a lifelong commitment, and their commitment does not increase much when they marry.

In defense of the social sciences, they are starting to figure this marriage thing out a little better. For example, a recent book entitled In Defense of Marriage analyzes mountains of statistical data demonstrating that married men and women are happier, healthier, and live longer than single or divorced men and women. Marriage is part of God's great plan. It is good for both the body and soul.

I realize that not all will have the opportunity to marry in this life, but, with faith and courage, most will. And eventually all righteous men and women will share these blessings. It is estimated that 95 percent of all Americans have been married at least once by age 45. Please don't wait until you are 44 to seriously pursue marriage. Social research reveals that marrying in the 20s somewhat increases marital happiness and reduces the likelihood of divorce. I promise you that if you pursue marriage and family life with sincere intent that the Father will bless you to eventually achieve this blessed state.

The fourth suggestion that I offer to establish and nurture an eternal relationship is to keep physical intimacy at an appropriate level so as to enjoy the presence of the Spirit and to be worthy to seal your commitment to each other in the temple. Elder Holland gave a talk here at BYU entitled "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments." Because of its powerful, pure doctrine, he was asked to repeat it in general conference. If you don't have a copy, please ask your campus bishop for one. It is pure doctrine that lovingly explains how chastity is a necessary condition for eternal life.

As I mentioned in my introduction, hooking up and dating among non-LDS almost always involve sexual activity. Such must not be the case for Latter-day Saints. I am happy to report that Brother Top's and my research with LDS high school students reveals that their premarital sexual activity is substantially below the national level. But at times it seems like we members of the Church get caught up in the ways of the world and end up adopting them to a degree. We may not be going as fast as the world, but, unfortunately, we sometimes are headed in the same direction.

Let me illustrate this worldly marching attitude with an example. A friend of mine was serving as the bishop of a BYU ward. He was teasing the elders quorum president about not being married.

He received the stock reply from the quorum president: "I just haven't found the right girl yet."

My friend then asked, "What kind of girl are you looking for?"

The reply was, "A girl worthy to go to the temple." But then, with a grin, the elders quorum president added, "But just barely."

What was this young man saying? He was joking, I hope. But it sounds like he was willing to keep the strict letter of the law but wanted to push as close to the edge of serious sin as he could get. It is highly unlikely that the Spirit will be companion to anyone holding such an attitude. Such a person is heading in a worldly direction away from God's plan.

I am not suggesting that you never kiss someone until you kneel across the altar, but I am suggesting that you keep physical intimacy within the bounds set by the Lord. I don't have time to say any more about appropriate intimate behavior, but I am sure your campus bishops frequently discuss the topic.

I do want to say a word or two about a different consequence of inappropriate intimacy. Young people sometimes justify inappropriate intimacy on the grounds that it is an expression of their special love and that it strengthens their relationship. I am convinced that more often than not such activity actually destroys a potential eternal relationship. Let me illustrate with a scriptural example.

This example involves two of King David's children. His son Amnon fell "in love" with his half-sister, Tamar. They had the same father but different mothers. He had it bad. He thought about her all day and dreamed about her all night. His friend—actually his cousin—noticed Amnon's funk and offered to help him in his pursuit of the maid Tamar. The scriptures say Jonadab, Amnon's friend, was "a very subtil man" (2 Samuel 13:3). In other words, he was a devious man. Jonadab suggested that Amnon fake illness, and when his father asked about his sickness, he should plead that Tamar be sent to cook him some cakes—the Hebrew equivalent of chicken soup. The plan worked perfectly. When Tamar finished cooking the cakes, Amnon sent away the servants and made a strong advance. Tamar resisted: "And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly" (2 Samuel 13:12).

In modern English, she told him to stop, that what he was doing was wrong and also rather stupid. She explained that their father, King David, loved Amnon, that he was his favorite son, and David would give him anything he asked, including her as a bride. But Amnon was beyond reason and was driven by his passion: "Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her" (2 Samuel 13:14).

What had happened was really bad. But now comes the point I want to make from this example of inappropriate intimacy: "Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone" (2 Samuel 13:15).

Amnon did not send Tamar flowers, nor did he call her to express his undying love. Instead, he hated her so strongly that he shamed her before the king's court and all of Israel. He loved her, and then a half-hour later he hated her. Why? Tamar was associated with the guilt he felt for the terrible deed he had done. In his mind she became the cause of his sin, and thus he hated her. So it is in today's world. A couple may have the potential for a celestial marriage, but if they become too intimate, then the feelings of tenderness and love turn to guilt, then to dislike, and perhaps even to hate. Too much intimacy too soon is not the Lord's way.

In this example I have focused on the single members of the Church, but let me stress that married couples have the same responsibility to obey the law of chastity. Forbidden love will have the same terrible consequences. Chastity—which requires virtue in our minds and hearts as well as in our actions—is absolutely necessary for an eternal marital relationship.

My final suggestion is appropriate for those seeking a mate, for married couples, and for everyone else, for that matter. Many years ago a couple asked if I would provide them marriage counseling. I resist such requests since I am not a trained counselor—and, besides, I really don't enjoy doing it. But occasionally circumstances conspire against me and I am forced to do so. This was one of these cases. I had worked with the couple for several weeks, and they had not made any real progress in reducing the anger and conflict. One evening as I waited for them to come to our home, I had a few minutes and opened the scriptures. I decided to read the New Testament to get me in a spiritual mood. One of my favorite sections of the New Testament is the Sermon on the Mount. When I read Matthew 5:43–44, I was struck with a powerful insight.

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. [Matthew 5:43–44]

When the couple arrived, I had the husband wait in the living room while I met with the wife in the family room. When I asked her if we could kneel and pray for her husband, she looked at me like I was crazy. When I explained that I did not want her to pray that he would get run over by a large truck, develop a disfiguring disease, or obey her every wish but rather wanted her to sincerely pray for the Father to bless her husband with those things that would bring him true happiness, she simply replied, "I can't do it." I had anticipated this response. It is not easy to love your enemy or to do good to him. But I was hoping we could at least pray for him. I asked if we could kneel and pray that she be given the compassion, mercy, and love necessary to do so. We both took turns voicing a prayer, and after she shed a few tears she informed me she was ready to pray for her husband. She then offered a beautiful prayer for him. A remarkable change in her demeanor toward her husband was immediately obvious. This was real progress.

I ushered her into the living room and invited the husband into the family room. We repeated the same sequence of events. His initial reaction to my request was one of shocked dismay. But later, after offering a sincere prayer for his wife, his attitude and his feelings toward her changed, and some of the earlier love reappeared. I could see it in his countenance, and he could feel it in his heart.

This was our last counseling session. I think the story had a happy ending for the couple. I haven't seen them for several years, but the last time we had contact they were still happily married.

I don't know whether they ever repeated this simple exercise. But I learned a great lesson that has affected how I live my life, and I pass it on to you as my fifth suggestion: "Pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." Most of us probably don't like those who hate us, and, sadly, these feelings of dislike canker our souls. Amazingly, praying for our enemies reverses our feelings. Maybe the person still hates you, but that does not matter. What matters is that your heart is softened and the Spirit abides with you. Usually a change in your feelings and subsequent actions will initiate a reduction of the other person's hatred of you. Perhaps even reconciliation may occur.

Whenever I have been angry over the years with my wife, Carolyn, I kneel and pray for this good woman. She is such a kind and loving person that my anger is usually my own fault. Whatever the cause, my angry feelings are turned to increased love by sincere prayer.

On Sunday afternoon Carolyn saw me editing my remarks and asked if she could read them. She offered some insightful suggestions. Later that night, just as we were drifting off to sleep, she whispered to me, "I heard you share your experience about praying for your enemies when you taught our Jerusalem students during the Mount of the Beatitudes field trip. Since then, whenever I have been angry at you, I have prayed for you. It has worked every time."

I did not know how to respond. I did not know whether to be miffed that she had felt I'd done things that justified her anger or to be happy that she had discovered the same results that I had in applying the Savior's words. If I were miffed at her, I would have had to get out of bed and pray for her, and since I was very tired, I decided to just go to sleep a happy man. It should be no great surprise that good things come from following the teachings of the Master.

Besides this suggestion to pray for your spouse, the implication for those of you who are single is to not only pray for yourself in a dating relationship but also to pray for the young man or woman in whom you are interested. Pray for what is best for them, which may turn out not to be you. But that is okay. The Lord will bless you, and good things will follow. This simple action will change feelings between husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, children and parents, and neighbors and co-workers. When you are angry, when a relationship is stretched thin to the limit, sincerely pray for the person who at that moment "hates" you. It will bring a mighty miracle in your feelings and in your ability to bear affliction.

In conclusion I want to encourage you to remember the importance of marriage and family and place them first in your priorities. I want to spare you an experience similar to one I had 15 years ago.

Our family was sharing a Christmas afternoon with another family, and at some point we started playing games like Trivial Pursuit. One game was based on Freudian psychology and involved identifying dominant personality traits. My wife and three sons independently wrote their estimation of my dominant personality trait on small pieces of paper. I was confident I would be labeled by my family as "kind," "righteous," "loving," or similar positive traits.

Imagine my surprise when my wife's paper said, "Bruce is a workaholic." I thought to myself, "That ungrateful woman! The pleasant quality of life she enjoys is the fruit of my hard work." But it was Christmas, and I did not want to spoil the day, so I did not respond.

My three boys confirmed her diagnosis! One son also used the hated workaholic word. The other two used similar words that made it clear that in their eyes my career, profession, or work was the most important aspect of my life. At this point, even though it was Christmas, I protested a little.

One of my sons replied, "Dad, we never went on a family vacation that did not involve your work."

Again I wanted to reply: "True, but you—ungrateful son that you are—have been to Disneyland as well as to Walt Disney World, traveled to Central America, traveled Europe, visited the Holy Land, and lived two summers in a beach house on an island in the Pacific Northwest." But it was Christmas, and I did not want to be a poor sport, so I remained silent.

In the days that followed I tried to justify how I lived my life to myself. But it did not do any good. No matter how I rationalized things, my dear family felt that my career was more important to me than they were. This is not and was not true. But the fact remained that that was the impression I had given by my actions. Since that time I have tried to make my priorities more visible. I occasionally say to Carolyn on Friday morning, "I will be done teaching at noon. Would you like to go to the temple this afternoon? Or go ride around the Alpine Loop, see a movie, or visit the gardens at Thanksgiving Point?" Or, if I am really feeling expansive, "Would you like to go shopping?"

I hope during the past 15 years that somehow I have altered the perceptions of my family. They are most important to me. I share this experience in the hope that you will be spared the anguish of confronting who you are at age 45 or 50 and being disappointed. I don't want a list of my publications or administrative positions chiseled on my headstone. Rather, I hope that the following words reflect my life: "Bruce Chadwick, a devoted husband, loving father, and humble follower of Jesus Christ."

My young friends, remember that marriage is essential to eternal life and that a good marriage and family life is crafted, not found. Please make this an important priority as you finish school and launch a career. Be courageous in seeking after an eternal partner. If you have found him or her, then work together creating an eternal relationship. This is not hard work. In fact, it is rather pleasant and will bring great joy into your life.

May God bless you in your studies at BYU. Be sure to study both the sacred and the secular. You have a great opportunity to do both here at BYU.

I bear testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, especially of the importance of eternal families. I share this testimony in His name, Jesus Christ, amen."

P.S.

Also, here is a list of my other classmate's blogs!

kim1972.weebly.com
12halie2011.blogspot.com
http://kamrynwatt.blogspot.com/p/family-foundations_10.html
aubreyforbisfr.blogspot.com
hhilarym.blogspot.com
http://funandfam.blogspot.com/

Ahoy!

My name is Suzy and this is my "how-to-be-an-awesome-great-super-cool-[adjective]-wife-and-mother" blog. I created this virtual hope chest for my family relations class. I can't put adorable knitted booties on here, BUT I can do one better! I'll be posting things I learn (and heck, maybe even some pictures of adorable knitted booties) so that when I'm a honey and a mama I can benefit from the seeds I'm planting right now. Because the weakest web post is better than the strongest memory, right? This is going to be WONDROUS.